just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
