I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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