if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
