from now on my penis is your penis
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
