11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
