he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
