Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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