yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish you could order shots online.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
