he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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