just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
