My nipple is on Facebook.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
