hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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