I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The best revenge is premature balding
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
