Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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