You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
