He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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