the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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