And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
