All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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