i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
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Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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