I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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