i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I feel great
I just peed on a car
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
