you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I touched a dick in church today
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
