My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
