everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
