do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
