you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
