I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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