your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
