if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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