The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
