i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
God, I missed his penis.
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