I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
No subtext here. People are naked.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize