I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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