You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
