Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
