I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
