I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
