He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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