my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Enjoy the penises
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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