i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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