So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
