I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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