he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
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My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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