Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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