I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
