i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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