For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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