So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
