does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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