Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
