jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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