I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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