I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
