I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
