I hate your face
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
