I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
