I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
