I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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