Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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