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$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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